Heyho!
9/03/2019
Tuesday, 3 September 2019, 15:03
I’m
pretty suck with choosing words. I don’t even know how to address something well,
including what I’ve felt. Today is being the time when I only sit
in front of my laptop, thinking bout something unreal, unclear and awfully
abstract. I cannot finish my responsibly which I should to finish it as soon as
I can. I feel dumb but what do I do?
I'm wondering about my existence. What do I do for
this life? Who am I? Which part should I take in this world? What is happiness
actually? What is my goal? What is my purpose of living afraid under my hijab? I
began questioning everything. And in this phase, this is the most sucks
phase of my 23rd-year-old life as a human being. Something inside me
has awakened, I want to leave my hijab. The reason? I barely don’t understand.
Since the beginning of 2019, I rarely to go out, I
only talk with some people and few my closest friend which I have them for
years. I didn’t meet someone new who shares bout their new ideology, I also didn’t
meet any elders who insisting their values to me, and no one has ever changed
me. Nobody.
I do never questioning my goal of wearing hijab
since senior high school. I barely understand about the consequences both good
and bad impacts which already listed in Quran, I understand about the value
behind it, I totally understand and do it purely from the deepest of my heart
that I want to wear hijab at that time. However, I don’t know why day by day,
something inside me has changed by itself. It makes me doubt. It makes me
depressed and I don’t feel either happy or confidence anymore. I compare myself
with others, why do I have to wear this when I feel doubt? Why do I do this
whenever I don’t get the value for me? Any lots of such question in my mind. They
feel okay, they confidence, they feel the beauty, they look elegant and glow,
why do I cannot be like them? I want to respect myself, I want to embrace
myself too, and I want to feel happiness. I don’t want to wear this hijab
just because I’m afraid with my mom or dad, I don’t want to wear a hijab without
any purpose or reason behind it, I don’t want to feel empty. I want to wear it
with full of conscious and brave. I want to wear it because I feel the sadness,
fear, and anger from my God not because for anybody else. But for me, myself and
God.
Most people say that happiness is the most ultimate
goal that every creature are looking for. But the concept of ‘happiness’ is
that abstract till today. Why do I say so? Because whenever I laugh hard, I
got happy by watching something or by another activity that energize me,
after it finished and I went back to my bed… It just turned 180degree into the
feeling that I hate the most, empty. I sick of being empty. Whenever I can only
hear my own breath, following with the sound of silence, I extremely hate those
feeling. So, what is happiness actually? I want to pursue it. I write I’m
trying to write everything in my mind, I write to end this collage phase in order to leave this feeling of left behind but other than that, I
feel completely nothing. Does this the meaning that life want me to understand? I'm not
ready, I never feel ready.
So yeah, this is me right now. The very suck of me
being a human at 23 years old. I fight with my own self, searching for something
essential that I will hold as a human. This is finally the answer, I don't know how long this phase gonna bring me. I don't know it leads me to happiness or even miserable life, yeah I need to figure it out. However, deep inside I fully understand and pretty sure that in the end I do will wear the hijab anymore, but I just don't know when. I don't even know either when exactly I'm ready to completely leave the hijab. Now, it seems like I do a rebellion haha. How complicated it is. Dreams, money, value, love. It all
messed up. I hope that I can survive.
:)
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