once in a blue moon...

I think now I realize the reason why I choose that idiom for my blog's title. I post very rarely. I come to write in this blog only for specific occasion; whenever I feel my mind is full of uncertain thoughts. Like today.

this post will be a reminder for me. this is a sign of my deepest feeling. today, I reach the lowest point of my life. I feel like I am lost. all my plans are failed. why am I so unlucky? It seems like everything I do is never easy. everything are crashed and fell apart. all of that happens in the first month of new year. I laugh so hard, Is this the way I open 2020? why so terrible?

I think so hard to analyze everything and I come to the realization that I am just not enough to get a good life. It seems like God never allow me to have a smooth easy way to reach what I want.

but luckily, he sends me an Angle. I have the most angelic Mom in the world, who makes me even more guilt right now even though she said that it's not my fault but still I cannot forgive me.  So, yeah. I want to curse so badly, I have mountainous angry yet dirty words in my minds today but end up I just keep silent. I just don't have any desire or energy to say words. I keep it alone, I close myself to the world and crying silently. Those are the thing that finally I can do. I cried and I tired.

tomorrow, when I pass this day and I am able to reach the door. the moment when I can slap the door and slay the burden in my back, I'll look back to this post and be proud. I hope that I can reach that moment.

dearest myself, say hello to the pain.

fitriana, 23 y.o. january 2020.