Once in a blue moon

Heyho!

9/03/2019

Tuesday, 3 September 2019, 15:03

I’m pretty suck with choosing words. I don’t even know how to address something well, including what I’ve felt. Today is being the time when I only sit in front of my laptop, thinking bout something unreal, unclear and awfully abstract. I cannot finish my responsibly which I should to finish it as soon as I can. I feel dumb but what do I do?

I'm wondering about my existence. What do I do for this life? Who am I? Which part should I take in this world? What is happiness actually? What is my goal? What is my purpose of living afraid under my hijab? I began questioning everything. And in this phase, this is the most sucks phase of my 23rd-year-old life as a human being. Something inside me has awakened, I want to leave my hijab. The reason? I barely don’t understand.

Since the beginning of 2019, I rarely to go out, I only talk with some people and few my closest friend which I have them for years. I didn’t meet someone new who shares bout their new ideology, I also didn’t meet any elders who insisting their values to me, and no one has ever changed me. Nobody.

I do never questioning my goal of wearing hijab since senior high school. I barely understand about the consequences both good and bad impacts which already listed in Quran, I understand about the value behind it, I totally understand and do it purely from the deepest of my heart that I want to wear hijab at that time. However, I don’t know why day by day, something inside me has changed by itself. It makes me doubt. It makes me depressed and I don’t feel either happy or confidence anymore. I compare myself with others, why do I have to wear this when I feel doubt? Why do I do this whenever I don’t get the value for me? Any lots of such question in my mind. They feel okay, they confidence, they feel the beauty, they look elegant and glow, why do I cannot be like them? I want to respect myself, I want to embrace myself too, and I want to feel happiness. I don’t want to wear this hijab just because I’m afraid with my mom or dad, I don’t want to wear a hijab without any purpose or reason behind it, I don’t want to feel empty. I want to wear it with full of conscious and brave. I want to wear it because I feel the sadness, fear, and anger from my God not because for anybody else. But for me, myself and God.

Most people say that happiness is the most ultimate goal that every creature are looking for. But the concept of ‘happiness’ is that abstract till today. Why do I say so? Because whenever I laugh hard, I got happy by watching something or by another activity that energize me, after it finished and I went back to my bed… It just turned 180degree into the feeling that I hate the most, empty. I sick of being empty. Whenever I can only hear my own breath, following with the sound of silence, I extremely hate those feeling. So, what is happiness actually? I want to pursue it. I write I’m trying to write everything in my mind, I write to end this collage phase in order to leave this feeling of left behind but other than that, I feel completely nothing. Does this the meaning that life want me to understand? I'm not ready, I never feel ready.

So yeah, this is me right now. The very suck of me being a human at 23 years old. I fight with my own self, searching for something essential that I will hold as a human. This is finally the answer, I don't know how long this phase gonna bring me. I don't know it leads me to happiness or even miserable life, yeah I need to figure it out. However, deep inside I fully understand and pretty sure that in the end I do will wear the hijab anymore, but I just don't know when. I don't even know either when exactly I'm ready to completely leave the hijab. Now, it seems like I do a rebellion haha. How complicated it is. Dreams, money, value, love. It all messed up. I hope that I can survive.

Share |

hiatus :(

7/24/2019

Share |

Unstructured random things in mind

7/24/2019

they said that my life is easy

they think that I've done easily

they assume that their business is more complicated than mine

It is fine.

I am in a state where I don't want to explain anything at all.

I am in a phase where I can only stare to the blank pages for hours.

thinking and thinking and keep thinking.

yeah, that's what I am doing

I struggle with value, concept, thought and perspective. To become human.

My research probably not dealing with numerical or statistical objects, but I work hard in creating a perspective. A human perspective.

Our country experienced a very long colonial history by the Dutch.

They were not only taken our place, our resources, our people but everything. Literally everything, including the most important one: a perspective.

Within three centuries, finally, we are able to get back and take our freedom.

but, do we truly free?

No. In 300 years, they not only colonialized the good but the most essential one, our brain has been washed too.

It happens to us, from our ancestors and pathetically still being an unconscious awful legacy till today.

Racism, gender discrimination, social inequality, pessimism even corruption are some of the legacies that doctrine and tied up our people unconsciously in mind.

It has been almost three hundred years left after the colonialization, we are freedom. we get independence. We are now a country where lied among more than 30 thousand ethnicities and race. Standing alone facing the world as an independent country.

2019, a modern digital base era. We are the same position as other countries, showing the world that we are too able standing with mastering the technology.

However, how about our humanity? Do we upgrade our humanity as fast we upgrade our technology?

Horribly, no.

Look around. How many ignorance faces of people hearing a voice of gender inequality? Heartless when somebody seeking justice of sexual harassment. Look how massive parents abandon their own children. Look how massive closed minds thinking that book isn't the primary needs for the human being. Look how happy the face of our great leader, saying beautiful words about their people, but actually, they eat the public money for their own desire. Living in a multicultural and multi-religion country but less tolerance and emotionally attached easily.

Those are proved that even three hundred years is not enough to change the human perspective.

To change a mindset need tremendous multiple time. It is abstract, not exact and easily rejected.

People's perspective does not easily come as a result of 1+1 = 2.

We need to feel and think. To collect everything and absorbed it.

Because to become human is easy, but to get an understanding and have humanity is totally uneasy.

Share |

1:30 A.M

3/16/2019

Share |

Late Night Snacks

2/01/2019

It’s been a while. Sumpah rasanya kaya lagi ketemu sama temen lama, duduk, mikir, malem-malem, sambil ngetik, mencoba menyuarakan isi kepala gua salam bentuk tulisan kaya begini. Emang bener ya kata dosen gua, komitmen itu utama banget. Apalagi tentang tulis-menulis kaya gini. Se-bagus dan se-passionate nya lu dalam menulis tapi kalo management waktu lo gak baik dan lo belom komit tetep aja ga bakal jalan. (kaya gua hahaha)

Dan gua sekarang tengah berada di fase dimana gua menginginkan beberapa part dalam hidup gua, kebiasaan gua dulu lebih tepat nya untuk kembali lagi saat ini. Salah satu kebiasan gua dulu ya ini, nulis di blog. Anything, randomly. Dari aplot dan cerita tentang apapun yang gua suka, review tentang produk yang baru gua beli ntah itu skincare atau bahkan sandal KW dapet obral di tanah abang sampe ke hal yang agak serius dan bikin gua gatel yaitu beropini tentang issue tertentu. Gua, mulai dari postingan ini, mau berkomitmen dengan seluruh makhluk astral (ntah semoga ada makhluk yang baca ini) dan diri gua sendiri kalo gua mau memulai kembali menulis. Ada perasaan antara sedih dan kangen ketika gua tadi gak sengaja ngebuka file-file di laptop yang berisi sekumpulan cerita yang udah gua tulis dari gua SMA. Ya lucu, seneng, penasaran, takjub dan bahkan rasa bangga bisa membaca sebuah tulisan. Apalagi itu tulisan gua sendiri yang walaupun isi nya gak penting. No matter how easy or shit your writing is, it still meaningful and give a history to you. That’s the point that I hold. Through story, it transform me into another world, it’s a real time machine, and it’s a product that could bring me back to the time or the moment of my life.

Ngomongin tentang tulis menulis di blog gua jadi keinget masa-masa gua SMP dulu, 6 tahun yang lalu. Wow lama juga ya ternyata. Gua masih ingat banget giman hype dan booming blog waktu itu nyaris setengah kelas temen-temen gua pada bikin blog sangking hype nya. Isi dan tujuan nya macem-macem. Ada yang nulis puisi, cerpen, curhat, atau bahkan sebatas aplot gambar pun banyak. Ya wajar sih, mengingat dulu internet masih hal yang baru banget apalagi social media wah masih dalam bentuk embrio itu kaya nya si instagram, path, line dkk. Bahkan waktu itu yang punya hape nexian alias hape KW plus plus nya blackberry itu cuma temen-temen gua yang orang tua nya mampu semacam PNS ato dokter gitu. Masih sebegitu awam nya kita dengan teknologi. Waktu itu gua inget banget hal yang gua kenal dari internet itu cuma tiga, yaitu facebook, yahoo massanger, dan blog. Plus game-game warnet semacem zuma, feeding frenzy sama diner dash.

Iyaps, perbedaan teknologi yang kita alami itu berkembang dengan amat pesat, hanya dalam kurun waktu 6 tahun. Zaman dulu orang berlomba-lomba nulis di blog, hits karna menulis, saling bercerita dalam tulisan. Seadangkan zaman sekarang? Peminat blog udah menurun, orang lebih minat dalam bentuk gambar dan audio, nyaris 95% orang tau, minat, dan lebih sering buka youtube dibanding blog. Bisa gua bilang juga hype nya youtube yang tengah kita alami saat ini adalah hype yang gua rasakan dulu waktu pertama kali kita dikenalkan sama blog. Orang berlomba-lomba mencari exsistensi di platform tersebut. Tapi pernahkah kita sadari kalau mungkin saja 5 tahun yang akan datang, akan ada platform baru lagi yang menggantikan itu. Disini gua agak prihatin aja sih, banyak banget orang yang mengakses dan menonton youtube setiap harinya akan tetapi untuk membaca sebuah artikel bisa kita hitung dalam hitungan jari. Tanpa disadari hal ini juga yang perlahan-lahan merubah mindset manusia untuk selalu ingin mempelajari hal-hal yang mudah saja, cepat dan singkat, hal-hal normal seperti itu yang cenderung kita rasakan ketika kita sedang menonton. Padahal setiap manusia membutuhkan proses didalam hidupnya, kita membutuhkan keahlian untuk berfikir, menganalisa, meresapi sebuah informasi, merasakan berbagai macam emosi dan semua itu kita dapatkan dengan membaca. Disini gua gak mencoba untuk menjelek-jelekkan dari aktifitas menonton ya, gua cuma resah aja sama semakin sedikit nya orang yang membuat dan orang yang menikmati konten bacaan. Padahal hal itu menurut gua penting banget buat memperbaiki mindset kita yang mungkin sampai saat ini masih ada yang ‘bermasalah’. Because words are ideological apparatus. It can leads you into new perspectives. Through its power, you could unconsciously believe with something.

Ya jadi begitulah kira-kira isi kepala gua malam ini. Intinya walau bisa dibilang ini tulisan ternyata isinya merupakan sambungan dari postingan gua yang judul nya ‘Greetings’ tapi postingan ini sebenarnya gua dedikasikan untuk mengikat diri gua sendiri dengan seluruh pembaca gua haha (kalo ada) bahwa gua akan kembali menulis. Itung-itung juga untuk membiasakan diri mengingat gua harus mulai nulis skripsi hiks. Dan juga sedikit penjabaran tentang konten apa sih yang bakal gua tulis nanti nya untuk nge-aktifin ini blog lagi begindang. Walaupun gua pernah nulis di description blog kalo platform ini gua buat dengan tujuan untuk mengantar diri inih menjadi seorang ‘great writer’ tapi pasti nantinya gua bakal sering aplot tentang hal-hal trivial yang gua suka dulu sih. Yah yang namanya baru mulai lagi masa iya sih langsung ke hal yang serius, nyampah-nyampah dikit buat menyesuaikan diri ga salah kan, biar keliatan ada smooth transtition nya gitu ehe. Cheers!

Pages

Once in a blue moon

Self-love

half first month in 2020

Heyho!

hiatus :(

Unstructured random things in mind

1:30 A.M

Late Night Snacks

Greetings

ABOUT

Follow me

Archive

Popular Posts

Followers